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COMPUTER ABBREVIATIONS:
PCMCIA: People
Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System
Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect
Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO: Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only
Fools Teenagers
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LOVE LIFE AS PROGRAMS:
Sent: Wednesday, October 20,
2002 9:38 PM
Subject: Boyfriend 5.0
Dear Help Desk,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began making unexpected changes to the
accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In
addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0
and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but to no avail.
Please help!
--Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command:
C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and
Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse causes Husband 1.0 to default to
GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. DO NOT
install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend
HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3
- -Help Desk
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BILL GATES VS
GENERAL MOTORS:
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way computers have enhanced our lives: At a recent computer
exposition (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had
kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon!"
In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating:
If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would
all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close
all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the
windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply
accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which
case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but
would run on only five >percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning
light.
7. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have
to learn to drive all over again, because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine
off. |
IF OPERATING
SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES
UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along
when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put
the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind
of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then
they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again.
Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers,
and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same. Every time you
ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you
don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that
everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so
just shut up and watch the movie.
Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colorful, with
friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth
take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air and at 40,000 feet, the
plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses 4
much bigger planes to cover the same route, and takes out all the
other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines
decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket
counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee
to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download
and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are
given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.
You take the seat to a location of your choice and bolt it into the
deck, per the instructions. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat
is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a
single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell
customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they
can say is, "Jesus, you had to do what with the seat? ... " |
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